From Dec. 31, 2013- Ye Olde New Year’s Resolutions

Yep. It’s that time again. That time where people freak and panic over their current state of being and scramble to look back and find every tidbit of what went wrong and how to fix it. I wouldn’t say that I fall into that category, as I’m sure many others don’t. Rather, I’d say I fall into a category of the people that quietly sit down and patiently recollect important events (good or bad) from the previous year, and thoughtfully plan out solutions and ways to continue the good things. This is something that’s so much easier said than done!! For every year, I’ve found myself making these seemingly silly and pointless resolutions only to either forget about them or fail in bringing them to fruition. This can be stressful, and lead you to believe that everyone is living on false hopes and behind the walls of so called resolutions. Yet, for me, I am quietly searching now…for the things that I can honestly and solidly change in the upcoming year, for this past year was not ideal. For about half the year, I was struggling with finding inner happiness and fighting for it, then fighting for the parents and family I loved. I want to move on from that all now. I’m ready. Will I forget what had happened? Of course not. Will I learn from every event, conversation and action that occurred within that time? Absolutely. These are all parts of my story. I can’t lose the pages, but I can flip back through them, to learn and move on as a much stronger individual.

So, here are a few of my resolutions that I will do my best to not forget and to uphold as much as I can:
  1. Continue in my endeavor to be completely honest. With myself. With others. Always.
  2. Let go of inner fears that have held me back for years. Let Love guide.
  3. Overcome the fears of others that seem hold me back…possibly try to help them overcome their fears.
  4. Continue my relationship with the man I love. No matter the cost. No matter the struggles. He’s the only one currently that brings me true happiness.
  5. See a brighter future and quit hopelessly focusing on all the things that I think I’ll never have- start focusing on all that I could and will have.
I think these are reasonable resolutions. They make sense within me, and I wouldn’t want to let myself down in anyway, like I’ve already done…especially this past year. No more. I’m taking a stand for myself and everyone else that I may have hurt in the past. I’m living for love!! 🙂
Here’s to a wonderful, transforming 2014 filled with the most profound love, the purest happiness and blissful peace.

From Dec. 30, 2013- Escapist

“A nightingale in a golden cage, that’s me, locked inside reality’s maze. Come someone, make my heavy heart light, come undone, bring me back to life.” -Nightwish

I am an escapist. I have been for years. I am the nightingale in the golden cage, I am Rapunzel in the tallest tower; susceptible to fears and cruelness of reality, that have always been pressed upon me from outside the walls and bars that have enclosed me for so long. I have felt I’ve had no choice to be an escapist. For when trapped behind bars for so long, watching the world pass me by, I’ve scarcely had any other options. Yet, a few times in the past few years, I’ve managed to squeeze my way out of the cage and I’ve managed to scale down the walls of the tower…I’ve witnessed an entirely different world than what I constantly perceived. It was a world filled with wonder and awe. There was no pain, no tears, no bitterness….just love. The purity of love overflowed in this time and place and managed to make its way inside of me…inside of my heart, mind and soul. There were a few people who shared this immense, incomparable love. Those friends and loved ones, and one special loved one. I’ve never felt happier. I’ve never felt more free.

All too soon though, after each and every time I caught freedom on the tip of my wings, or by the wisps of my hair, I had to return to the cage, my tower. My guardian, my very own mother was and is the overseer and key holder. With constant sadness and tears that have streamed down my face one too many times, I still believed I was in the right place, because with me in my place, my keeper is happy. She cares about my life, just not the way I would imagine a caring being to be. For in my times of faint freedom, I have witnessed souls who cared and loved with an entirely different outlook. Personally, I quite enjoyed their outlooks a lot more!

Now, desire and escapism consumes me. Day after day, I desperately try to find a way out. If only in reality. I dream of flying free to see the depth of happiness that life has to offer. I dream of letting my hair down to my prince, who’s courageously awaiting my escape. I dream of waking to a new day, where there’s no fear, no sadness, nor anxiety. Unfortunately, these are the emotions that have taken over, and more unfortunately, I have become accustomed to feeling them; just accepting them as part of my life, and feeling not able to change the circumstances as to not disrupt the “natural” balance of life. For if I ever flew out of my cage when the door was left open, the one who loved me most, my mother, would be ever-so filled with rage, anger and sadness. She would feel as though I betrayed her…the one who gave me everything I needed to live and have a good life. If later in the future, I chose to come back to the cage, she’d have already gotten rid of it. I wouldn’t have a place to rest my weary wings. Her love for me would be changed forever. For this, I’m sure I’d be sad, and it’d be hard to find the patience to reclaim a lost happiness inside of her, if there such a thing ever existed to begin with. So, I’d be destined to fly off once more to the happy place and completely leave an old world behind….but not without the concern for those who I left behind in that colder world.

For now, I suppose I’ll remain in my cage and tower. I will wait, patiently, for the day when I’m ready to let it all go, and possibly even show my mom the life I’ve seen that she hasn’t. Whether she’d take it to heart or not, I still would feel satisfied, knowing that I’ve at least exposed her to a different world, my world. The world that I now live in, in my mind, as an escapist.

From Dec. 24, 2013- The Little Things

Merry Christmas Everyone!! 🙂 Just going to write a short one tonight. I want to express my gratitude for the little things in life. This year, our family didn’t go all out as they usually do with the gifts. Money is tight, and material stuff isn’t really a necessity. So, there were some little nice gifts given, but mostly, just nice cards. But, what I’ve come to realize, is that family really does matter most. It may sound cliche, but it’s honestly the truth. Especially in my situation. Our tradition is a small family get-together on the night of Christmas Eve. Just myself, parents, aunt and uncle and grandparents. We either meet at our house or my aunt and uncle’s, which is only two houses down. We literally, eat, drink and be merry for a few hours, and then depart. What’s nice is just the sheer fact we can be together as a family and share a special night together. There are times I wish we could do a little more or do something different, but it’s okay that we don’t, because in the end, our togetherness is all that matters, along with the fact we’re all in pretty good shape and healthy! 🙂 I am thankful for having a close family for 22 years!!

Other little things I appreciate on a night like tonight… the light snow, quietly laying itself across the frozen landscape, giving the night an innocence that’s tangible. …The shimmering of brightly colored lights dancing and skipping across rooftops… the festive holiday music that always brings cheer and memories… every decoration sprawled across the house, filling every nook and cranny… these are the simple things. Things I grew up with, and can rely on year after year to be the same…until one day I begin my own traditions and can rely on them. 🙂
Last, but not least, the biggest little thing that I can appreciate with all of my heart at this time, is keeping in close contact with my beloved. 🙂 Even though we have restrictions and aren’t able to see each other as we wish, we still synchronize in heart, mind and soul. We have been talking constantly, and sometimes, it’s just the little texts or emails that can make a huge difference and create less of a space between us. With a deeper love, time doesn’t exist. Moments build upon one another and stretch out into eternity…traveling with us as we go on through our lives.
If there’s ever a time where you feel all is lost or isn’t what it should be…don’t ever give up, ever. Hang on to hopes and dreams then let them fly into the universe, as prayers and wishes, so that one day they are returned in the most magnificent way. Hope is never lost if only you believe.
Small causes, big effects.

From Dec. 22, 2013- Your Reality

“The world you create for yourself has to be your own creation.” A quote from my beloved friend. He has been speaking to me recently about the concept of changing your own reality, because you are the one in charge of it. Nothing is impossible. And, if you really see it happening and believe it and trust in it with all of your heart, mind and soul, it will surely become a reality. For certain things, I can truly grasp this philosophy. Things like acing every test you take in a semester, or getting that job that’s most important to you, or even acquiring enough money to go on a grand trip you’ve always envisioned. Things like convincing someone of your happiness, honesty and other feelings with something that they’ve always been adamantly against, seems impossible. For me, liking older guys is the issue. Has been the main issue in my life for quite some time now. My parents are dead set against it. I went through an unimaginable hell last semester and almost lost my parents and my family because they were going to disown me if I chose to live with the older man I loved at the time. And now, I’m being told that it is possible to be in that type of relationship openly while having my family. Hmm. Yep, still seems solidly an improbability.

You can’t always change people. I guess I learned that the hard way when trying to convince my parents in the first place that there was absolutely nothing morally wrong with me liking/dating older guys. It never worked. To me, there’s just some people who have their views and their ways and sadly will never change. I was trying to make my reality theirs. Sadly, they collided harshly. Yet, in the present moment, I am being told that you can change people. Or, at least change their beliefs. I don’t know, honestly. I really don’t. This is hard for me. I (clearly) keep going back and forth on the issue… here’s another way that I couldbelieve in the concept…

You can change people? Even without realizing it? Back in May, right in the beginning of my Summer break, I began to journal…my very first entry in a journal I recently bought at the time was about Dave…and how I wished things were different between us. Then as I continued on in the journal, I kept writing entries that were similar. Turned out, everything I wrote about, that I wished would happen, actually did happen…it was as if I made a prediction, and it all came true at the times I wrote they would. Funny thing is, it was just wishful thinking at the time while still being filled with doubt. I had just recently shared these entries with him, and he found them intriguing. That was something I wrote about…how I’d like to share what I wrote to him, and I did. Beautiful.

So there’s proof on both sides of the fence on creating your own reality. I’m still getting into this one, not completely ready to pick a side, but I’m just enjoying the ride, experimenting and seeing where the winds of fate take me. No stress. No pressure. I’m not trying to force anything in either direction. I’m taking things as they are at the moment, like the situation with my parents, (we have been on really good terms lately, but they don’t know that I’m speaking so intensively with Dave or delving into any of this stuff) and the situation with Dave, (us just talking as and when we can to keep our connection strong and to share everything meaningful to keep building each other up). It’s a complicated process, but as it develops, I will learn, he will learn, and in the end, maybe, just maybe we could end up together. And even if not us together, maybe just maybe, my parents could break down some walls they’ve been building up for many years now.

From Dec. 13, 2013- The Butterfly Effect

General definition: “The idea, used in chaos theory*, that a very small difference in the initial state of a physical system can make a significant difference to the state at some later time.”
“From the theory that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world might ultimately cause a hurricane in another part of the world.”
“…highly sensitive to initial conditions…”
*Chaos: “When the present determines the future, but the approximate present does not approximately determine the future.”
Lots of science, lots of math. Weather patterns…weather problems…this butterfly effect stands for a lot of complex systems. Yet, I can make it stand for a completely different system- of philosophy and personal experience. My glorious friend of mine used this term in a conversation via text recently, and I wasn’t quite sure of the full meaning, other than the one he provided for me, in both English and German: “small cause, big effect” and “kleine ursache grosse wirkung.” He used this simple, yet profound phrase to describe the effect I’m having on his life from all that I’m doing supposedly. I’m continuing to blow him away with everything I do. It’s incredible. Within the last three weeks or so, major transformations have been occurring…not only in him, but within myself as well. In the span of that time, I managed to provoke some inner demons within him, which caused anger, hurt, sadness, anxiety, guilt and shame. More of his past was revealed to me in that time. A lot of turmoil was experienced one day, yet the after effects were much greater, I believe. Along with all of the self-discovery that happened that day, there was a lot of happiness. Pieces from the past were connected to the future and the present– fears that were harbored for years, and ugly images and thoughts that were buried were brought to the surface and faced with immense courage- a courage that is deeply unique and inspiring. My friend was able to clean  it up mostly with my help, guidance and encouragement. To me, it’s still mind-blowing and astounding the effect I’m having on his life. Yet, I couldn’t feel happier or more blessed for the amorous occasion.
This is something that I believe anyone can experience, if they are willing to open themselves up, dig deep and discover hidden secrets that may have held them back for years, they can release the darkness and create more space for that love to flow in. When in a relationship, it’s something that can be good for both people…I believe the discovery, constant challenging conversation, and support, even with the struggles, can bring them closer for a better relationship.
It is possible to be someone’s butterfly, to flap your wings in their life to create a hurricane of change that will last a lifetime.

From Nov. 29, 2013- Thanksgiving Day: Thankful for Struggles

Happy Thanksgiving!! (A day late) As we celebrate this day that gives us happiness and hope, feasts and family, I want to address an unconventional element to be thankful for in life, and that is conflict. Not just those inevitable, everyday problems that trip us up, but rather deep, soul brandishing, heart wounding conflicts. The internal struggles that we come to face on a much deeper profound level when the time is right.

When a heart bleeds, it causes a reaction in the mind, a reaction that calls for action and healing. A bleeding heart yearns for another heart to reach out and touch it and the soul it’s contained in. The most difficult part of that process may not be the healing itself, rather, finding where the conflict is contained and what power it holds that creates fear. For me, the conflicts have been brought to me, revealed in a most astounding way from another. When one dares to dive into the depths of their heart, soul and mind to uncover hidden truths, they are taking a risk to leave what they always thought they knew behind, to find answers to the questions and doubts buried far within and the results can me magnificent, emotional and even frightening, because one can question their previous beliefs and begin to wonder and redefine what’s really important and what matters the most.

Why do we hide and hold fears and conflicts deep inside? Why are they not sought after until a certain person comes along to challenge a view or a certain circumstance arises that challenges it? I’m not sure I have the answer to those questions, but what I do know, is that everything happens for a reason, and timing is all somehow pre-planned for certain things and are destined to occur at just the right moment in your life. Sometimes, it’s best not to question from where the existence stems, but rather just accept it with open arms and embrace it. That’s the only way to survive the journey, and come out a changed person with a better understanding of yourself and others around you.

So, why am I thankful for internal, soul-stirring conflicts that arise when I least expect them? Because without them, life simply would lack a true meaning. If there isn’t something in your life that truly pains you, you aren’t seeing all that’s being offered. You are being close-minded to yourself and others, unwilling to challenge yourself and identify the issues to overcome them. I have come to believe in the notion that if you have passions, you will, at some point come to a crossroads and have to come face to face with their counterparts, those darker inhibitions you may or may not know you’ve had. You then have to stand up for yourself and your beliefs to erase the inhibitions completely. That may require letting go of a traumatizing past you have subconsciously clung to for years. Once that occurs, you can be free, cleared of unwanted transgressions, anger, fear, sadness, etc. Of course, sometimes, this can be daunting if done alone. It’s best to have a friend involved to help you see it through. A simple support system can sometimes mean the difference between life and death of conflict. I am thankful that I have someone that I’m helping and thankful that he’s helping me. It’s a two way street of equal giving and receiving of help and love.

I believe more people should take the time to explore themselves deeper to dig up old struggles that may be holding them back from living life to it’s full potential in the present. If they bring them up to the surface and face them head on with an open heart and mind, miracles of self transformation can occur and life could never be the same. Freedom would ensue. They too, in turn, could be thankful for even the hardest of times.

From Nov. 26, 2013- Integrity: Lifting the Veil of Everyday Expectations

One word- communication. We speak to numerous people every single day, but do we really think about the words that are being delivered and decoded? Probably not. With the rapid changes in technology that practically write our thoughts for us, where’s the meaning? How can we reclaim the lost art of actually speaking to another human, face to face?? I have been delving into the art of communication…not just as a necessary function, but as an experiment to see how good I really am at it. I’ve been paying attention more to how I phrase things, the timing of a response, how confident I am at saying it, and the most important one…seeing how honest I really am in both everyday conversation as well as the more meaningful ones.

I’ve learned there’s a lot that can go unsaid. And a lot that can get lost and be misinterpreted along the way if there’s a lack of honesty. The worst part, is if it’s not addressed, it just becomes an open invitation for judgment and unwanted emotions. If you can be open and honest with another, you can erase the opportunity for problems. It’s incredible, but it’s a challenge. With integrity comes great responsibility and the challenge of breaking out of your comfort zone. Well, for me it has been anyway, for both speaking it and hearing it. This can be taken back to that long lost friend mentioned in my previous post…he is the one who is inspiring me to take a closer look at this type of thing because he is the one working on it diligently and challenging himself.

Through talking with him extensively, I have learned that there’s more to communicating than meets the eye. During my reconnecting with him, there were a lot of questions asked, and a lot of answers given. Some not so clear at first, but with some refining, they became clear, and issues that even arose were cleared up. It’s an astounding transformation process that’s making me see what a lot of people don’t. They either don’t understand the importance of good communication or are ignorant, and refuse to take the time to do so. No wonder so many relationships and marriages fail!

If there’s anything I would change, it would be how I express myself towards others. Generally, I am upfront and honest, showing my true emotions, but I’ll admit there are times with friends that I don’t do that as much as I should. I’m hoping to continue my endeavor of bringing integrity back to life. I want to be about not holding back, or feeling ashamed over things I may believe in that others may not. I have a desire to bring issues out into the open as to clean them up so they don’t remain anchored in the past or within myself. And with the past, it’d be great to be able to discuss that, too. You can learn so much about yourself if you look back and make connections from then to now and even be able to solve lifelong issues that may have built up. There’s too much in life to enjoy in the now! This is why I choose not to have regrets. There’s no time to dwell and or feel bad about past actions or consequences. Happiness is about learning from mistakes, either self created or not, and moving on in a positive, constructive fashion. I’m learning it’s totally doable! As with Love, I want to take this a step further and show others that it’s not impossible to overcome issues they may have within themselves or others.

If you dig deep enough and become true to yourself, you can let go of a lot, therefore clearing space for love. Love needs that space to thrive and flourish. Begin with integrity, end with results of lifelong happiness and unimaginable love and freedom.

From Nov. 24, 2013- Thanksgiving Break: Thankful for Love

It has been quite a while since I have written in here! A lot has been going on since I last did write. I have been digging further into the art of being an English major…getting absorbed in numerous texts of poems, prose and plays, all while writing papers and poems of my own! (Which I do hope to post on here soon!) But aside from that, I’ve been reconnecting with Love. In a couple of different ways. One way is through my parents. We have been rebuilding our connection ever since that awful semester, and it feels great. I can sense a shift in our relationship. They are coming to trust me more, I believe, and I am coming to learn to get along generally more. I don’t feel awkward anymore. I don’t feel like I have to not be myself, because I have nothing to hide.

On another note, I am reconnecting with a long lost friend of mine. An older guy who I met five years ago, got close with and then drifted apart due to unfortunate circumstances. To make a painfully long and complicated story short…we have been reconnecting over the past couple of months and I’m learning to love and be loved all over again. It’s the most magnificent and magical feeling ever. Our love goes deep beyond words. It’s a love that can move mountains. It’s a love that no one understands, yet everyone should feel and experience. It’s a love from the soul and of the soul that is timeless. It creates a bond that can’t be broken, not over any amount of time nor space. The connection, both physically and emotionally, has been helping me cope with my loneliness, anger and sadness. I feel less depressed and feel that I can be myself and express my happiness freely. It’s definitely taking some getting used to; as I’ve never signed up for such a thing! But this love chose to find me at the right time, and I couldn’t be happier.

My soul is a flower and love is the sun that it relies on to live. Without love I would wither and fade. I cherish every ray of sun that beams upon my inner soul. It travels through me and is harbored in my heart and mind. Timeless. I breathe love. I only wish to give more of it so that people to experience the magnitude of its power. It’s power that goes beyond comprehension. I do believe that everyone has the seed of love within them…they only need the nurturing it deserves to grow and blossom.

From July 8, 2013- Not the One

Always behind, never ahead

Watching others pass you by

You wonder where your life is

Where it’s came from

Where it’s going

On the sidelines there’s a lot to see

Observe the lucky and blessed

Watch those who aren’t fall

Broken and on their knees

Like yourself

You’ve got nowhere to go

No one to help you out

Feeling alone and lost

In a vast mixed up jungle

Where the weeds are high

No flowers to be picked

Shielding hope of all redemption

Of yourself

[I don’t want to be the one on the sidelines

Don’t want to wonder what it’s like

To love another without conditions

To live free of doubt and frustration

I don’t want to be the one chasing dreams

While nightmares hunt me down

Again and again

In a disillusioned time and place]

You keep your heart folded

Neatly in a locked case

No one can see it-

Can find it to make it theirs

Is this how you want it?

To feel so guarded

Do you want devotion?

Instead of devastation?

There needs to be a transition

A way out of the maze

Once forever dwelled in

Break the chains holding you back

Challenge the burdens thrown

On you constantly

Live to defeat them

Rise above everyday expectations

[I don’t want to be the one on the sidelines

Don’t want to wonder what it’s like

To love another without conditions

To live free of doubt and frustration

I don’t want to be the one chasing dreams

While nightmares hunt me down

Again and again

In a disillusioned time and place]

From June 13, 2013- On Being a Waitress

Simple satisfaction. Complicated communication. Great gratuity. Rushed remembering. These are only some perks and and not-so-great aspects of being a waitress. Of course there’s the cliches: putting on that cheesy smile and “show” only to please the most finicky of customers so you can obtain a nice chunk of change in your pocket. Yet, to me, there’s more to it than that. In my third summer of serving at a local pizza restaurant, I have learned a lot, and feel that I’ve come a long way when it comes to the job in particular, and customer service in general.

It’s not all about forcing yourself to be as friendly as possible…it’s about being natural, not faking it, and showing that you actually have an interest in the customer and are willing to be open to them, wanting to serve them in the best way possible…even if they appear completely uninterested in you and could care less about your life, why your working, and that you slave your ass off trying to scrape up some cash for college.
I never had as great as an appreciation for servers everywhere, until I became one myself. It’s amazing how when you’re sitting down to eat, enjoying your luscious meal, you are completely oblivious to the subservient servers bustling around attaining endless tasks to be fulfilled in an impossible amount of time. There’s really more than meets the eye. Yet, when you’re on top of your game, you appear calm, cool and collected to everyone. That’s part of the challenge. Don’t give away when you’re stressed to the max and on the verge of tears due to the overwhelming bearing of orders…instead, remain calm! If the customers pick up on your tense-ness, they’ll most likely leave a lesser tip, or in contrary, feel terrible for you and tip more…but that’s not usually the case. They probably wouldn’t want to see you again serving them!
Teamwork. That’s essential. I have learned, somewhat painfully, that it’s not an all for one job. It’s a one for all job. When there’s a dinner rush, and you are slow, you have to pick up what others are struggling with. Take tables in other sections, run food for them and constantly ask what they need. Not only is that common courtesy, but it’s a must when everyone’s running around like a chicken with their head cut off. Basically, you’re not only serving those hungry customers, but you’re also serving your co-workers.
Basically it’s a constant run around. On your feet for up to 6 hours straight, taking orders, remembering everything, knowing pretty much everything about the place, serving food, swiping credit cards, giving change, cleaning tables, helping others and doing other various, seemingly endless, side work. It’s a fun job, though. When you get happy, chill people with easy orders, it’s a breeze. And at the end of the day when you have a nice pocket of collected tips, it’s worth it. I don’t let the challenges get in my way. I may be forgetful at times, but I will do my best to be apologetic and show that I care for my fault and was truly sorry. In the end, it really does pay off, literally, and gives you fantastic experience, hard work and responsibility in the field of customer service!