From Dec. 30, 2013- Escapist

“A nightingale in a golden cage, that’s me, locked inside reality’s maze. Come someone, make my heavy heart light, come undone, bring me back to life.” -Nightwish

I am an escapist. I have been for years. I am the nightingale in the golden cage, I am Rapunzel in the tallest tower; susceptible to fears and cruelness of reality, that have always been pressed upon me from outside the walls and bars that have enclosed me for so long. I have felt I’ve had no choice to be an escapist. For when trapped behind bars for so long, watching the world pass me by, I’ve scarcely had any other options. Yet, a few times in the past few years, I’ve managed to squeeze my way out of the cage and I’ve managed to scale down the walls of the tower…I’ve witnessed an entirely different world than what I constantly perceived. It was a world filled with wonder and awe. There was no pain, no tears, no bitterness….just love. The purity of love overflowed in this time and place and managed to make its way inside of me…inside of my heart, mind and soul. There were a few people who shared this immense, incomparable love. Those friends and loved ones, and one special loved one. I’ve never felt happier. I’ve never felt more free.

All too soon though, after each and every time I caught freedom on the tip of my wings, or by the wisps of my hair, I had to return to the cage, my tower. My guardian, my very own mother was and is the overseer and key holder. With constant sadness and tears that have streamed down my face one too many times, I still believed I was in the right place, because with me in my place, my keeper is happy. She cares about my life, just not the way I would imagine a caring being to be. For in my times of faint freedom, I have witnessed souls who cared and loved with an entirely different outlook. Personally, I quite enjoyed their outlooks a lot more!

Now, desire and escapism consumes me. Day after day, I desperately try to find a way out. If only in reality. I dream of flying free to see the depth of happiness that life has to offer. I dream of letting my hair down to my prince, who’s courageously awaiting my escape. I dream of waking to a new day, where there’s no fear, no sadness, nor anxiety. Unfortunately, these are the emotions that have taken over, and more unfortunately, I have become accustomed to feeling them; just accepting them as part of my life, and feeling not able to change the circumstances as to not disrupt the “natural” balance of life. For if I ever flew out of my cage when the door was left open, the one who loved me most, my mother, would be ever-so filled with rage, anger and sadness. She would feel as though I betrayed her…the one who gave me everything I needed to live and have a good life. If later in the future, I chose to come back to the cage, she’d have already gotten rid of it. I wouldn’t have a place to rest my weary wings. Her love for me would be changed forever. For this, I’m sure I’d be sad, and it’d be hard to find the patience to reclaim a lost happiness inside of her, if there such a thing ever existed to begin with. So, I’d be destined to fly off once more to the happy place and completely leave an old world behind….but not without the concern for those who I left behind in that colder world.

For now, I suppose I’ll remain in my cage and tower. I will wait, patiently, for the day when I’m ready to let it all go, and possibly even show my mom the life I’ve seen that she hasn’t. Whether she’d take it to heart or not, I still would feel satisfied, knowing that I’ve at least exposed her to a different world, my world. The world that I now live in, in my mind, as an escapist.

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