This entire semester has been filled to the brim with endless struggles for me, as you may have gathered. Not only am I battling the constant onslaught of crucial assignments and tests, projects, etc., but I’m also battling with my family. All of the fighting, yelling and pain through tears has been taking me back…to another time I felt a similar intense pain.
A few years back I watched as my Mother’s life began to crumble. She was giving up as much as I was- the constant pushing and pulling- grasping and releasing of religion- the only thing I thought was concrete at one time- God, the only one who could save us both. Hope was stored within me, never to be drained. I had assumed. I faltered and here now all these emotions and feelings are rushing back- like a cascading waterfall from heights too unfathomable to imagine. I’m reverted back to another time I was trapped, and felt no release. Somehow, that one washed away. As for this time, you say things aren’t going to be the same…well, I am determined beyond comprehension to create a sense of peace so this, too, can be washed away in the sands of time.
It’s strange how those closest to you can cause the greatest problems, the endless voids, the endless sacrifice and the most immense loss. Some loss is good though…when my Mother was in the hospital for those two wretched weeks, she came out alive, and ended up losing her old self- those demons she held on to for so long. In turn, I lost a negative self-attitude that I had harbored for years. The freedom was well welcomed. This time, the loss feels different, but maybe the same…I’m losing the self-doubt that’s always imprisoned me, the self-loathing that led me to believe I was nothing, not worth anything; someone who wasn’t going to make it…although I may have lost- not even completely lost- the man I love, I still gain from my other types of loss. That’s the art of it all. you come to believe all is gone and suddenly, so much is placed in your lap to behold.
I want nothing more than to behold my strength. Strength, knowing I can overcome all of this, and show others who I am, what I stand for and all that I believe in. Just the other day I talked to a close friend who I fell out of touch with for about five months, who said he was trying to make his current relationship work, and in that, cutting out communication was the best…turns out, I didn’t lose you, you were always there- but I made a comment that made you surprised and make a surprising comment. I said- “I know who I am…I may not know what I want in life right now, or where I’m going, but I still know who I am and what I believe in.” You replied- “That’s something that I guess sets us apart…I’ still not sure who I am completely…” Surely a man of your age would be set in your ways knowing of life and yourself…yet, I guess not. You were inspired by me, and I was shocked, yet it was a beautiful thing. Again, when I thought all was lost, something was gained.
The past never dies, I believe. It will always follow you, trailing behind like that fading shadow at the sun’s last call of the day. It can always be linked to the present and even the future. This may not only be what we use to distinguish where there’s pain and healing, but it also determines how far we come, what progress was made to accomplish something great, big or small.
Sometimes…the more we lose, the more we gain.