From April 25, 2014- Living Inside

I should be happy. Nothing’s gone wrong, I make others happy and it’s not like I’m in poor physical condition. Emotionally, I contemplate everything. That’s my problem. That’s why happiness is elusive. Alone, and living inside my mind where I’m free to create, contemplate and possibly smile, I keep thinking of what was, how things came to be for this present moment and how things could potentially turn out. I scarcely have a positive outlook. Since summer, painfully, is quickly approaching once again– I’m to brace myself for home. Again return– for the fourth time actually– to home. Where I lose so much. Freedom, friends, happiness.

Dave and I have improved tremendously in the past few weeks…I should be thrilled. But, I’m not. I’m already lamenting the fact that I won’t see him over the next few months. I should be thankful he’s even present in my life…but I’ve gotten so attached to this man who’s shown me incredible love. No one’s ever given me love like that before. Only him. Once upon a time, when I loved another, I became attached to that feeling of being loved as well. That situation/relationship ended not as desired. I suppose the same fear is existing in my mind now. The same situation won’t go away.

So, I’m forced to live inside, where not many know of Dave and I and forced to create happiness since it cannot be done in person. Mar Gray’s right to an extent. It does hurt. I used to be so obsessed with my new found relationship way back when, that I felt compelled to make attempts to sneak and see the one I loved. Now, there’s been a transition. Less obsession of the mind, more desire from the heart. Less lust. More love. It’s become so essential for me. Like air and water I need love to sustain me.

Why is it that only one person can accomplish such a thing within me? I have many friends and a decent-sized family– you’d think that’d suffice. I almost wish it would. As content as I am living alone– I’m ready for a more constant presence of love in my life. It’s still far away. No one wants to be committed to me– a mostly introverted (getting better at that day by day), bisexual whose views and opinions differ significantly from the world’s and whose interests can seem eccentric. I can’t even accumulate friends who see things as I do…who have similar things in common. Well, I could and do, but only up to a certain point. After, it’s silence.

I wonder what it’s like to live on the outside? The inside is all I’ve ever known, and I’m afraid it’s all I’ll ever know.


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