The gravity that once dragged me into despair now guides me into weightless bliss.
Bliss for me was beyond the door…the wall that I had already begun to break through, but couldn’t quite smash all the way. Chiseling bit by bit, I created a hole, through that hole I discovered the freedom beyond. Next, I chose to tear apart the wall with my bare hands and embrace clarity and happiness. The wall was my parents, breaking through was physically leaving my house to live with Dave so I could be truly happy and free. The action was something I was constantly desiring, yet constantly running away from; neatly placing the bricks back onto the wall and sealing them together with affirmation that they were right and I was wrong. I was literally sealing my own fate of doom. Constantly struggling to see the man I loved, constantly chasing the lies that held me to him…it couldn’t last.
Since breaking through, the light has been brilliant. My world has been opened up and hope has been restored. We have been getting out, grocery shopping, eating, running errands and such, going on trips and just enjoying each other’s company. I’m helping him de-clutter his house while making improvements like getting patio furniture, installing a storm door, etc. One of the biggest things is doing holistic shows with him. For years, through countless emails, Dave has told me about the shows he’s done and how they were done. I was always intrigued and interested, but was never able to make it to one. I’m guessing it just wasn’t the right time. Maybe I was meant to gain a better understanding of the holistic realm before being part of it more. Connecting with others of a like mind is absolutely fantastic. Helps me confirm that I’m not some lunatic living in a fantasy world (as my mother would religiously claim). Those people have helped me open up my mind and confirm my own feelings and instincts inside. (I’ll save those stories for another post.) It’s just gratifying knowing that I can help Dave out in such an immense way and even deeper, by sharing in his world.
There has been a huge disconnect from my parents since I left. I’m hoping that that rift can be healed in time even if I choose to remain with Dave. There’s no need for the hatred or judgement, or even sadness and anxiousness. Mom and dad are creating their own tension, desperation and maybe even destruction; it only manifests when they strive to convince themselves that their views are correct and that the only beliefs that are valid are theirs. Honestly, it’s sad to see them so distraught. It hurts my heart and I wish to mend the brokenness inside of them. Yet, that can only be done if they choose to open their minds or at least let go of judgments. I will hold on dearly to the hope that our connection can be redeemed. The other night, Dave provided healing energy for me for a stone to give to aunt Linda and uncle Klaus. During his ritual, I prayed. In that prayer, I asked that my parents and I could be one again.
My gravity will continue to shift– carry me away from harm, both physically and emotionally. It will pull me, like the moon on the tide, to shores of undying bliss.