From Jan. 20, 2014- Solitary Longing

The other day, I was watching one of those survivor shows on TV, where the guy gets left on an island for so long and has to work with the environment and the few belongings on him to survive. At night, he lit a fire and said it wasn’t for warmth, but rather comfort for the loneliness.

And somehow, I can feel for that guy. Of course, he’ll live, and get off that island and return to whatever his life was before. Heck, maybe he even is lucky enough to have a wife…but in that moment where he felt alone…that’s where I could feel for him. As I myself often feel like I’m stranded on some distant island, miles away from civilization. There’s not many friends I’m connected with at home; when I’m home for long breaks, I’m pretty much confined to my house. I don’t have a car and my parents only have one, and my dad works the majority of the time. Now, I do spend plenty of time with family, but that doesn’t satisfy my need to feel loved or important, or just wanted, even for a short period of time. It’s like time stands still with me, and in that time that isn’t budging an inch, I feel invisible. For the most part, I truly enjoy it. I can read, write, draw, sing, daydream…all without being bothered. I can’t help but to feel frustrated when my social life seems confined to facebook and texting.

Maybe years ago it was my doing…I was that awkward kid back in elementary school…made friends…but was different. Once jr. high and high school hit, I didn’t want to be part of any clique, besides, my school was filled with hicks, bitches and weirdo’s. No thank you. I made a nice little group of friends though. Right after high school though, everyone went their separate ways…guess that’s to be expected…but I was the one who remained the same…while everyone else got jobs, boyfriends, and girlfriends and all…and I tried to hang on to those friendships…and they faded. Then I made it to college, and thankfully have more friends there who actually want to see me!! Sad part is they all live on the opposite side of the state, and I’m graduating in two semesters. Then it’s part two of the friends fading away scene.

The main point of all this is that sometimes I have a longing for more. Not that I’m a big group person. I never attend parties, of course they’re all the same and always involve too much alcohol and that’s not my scene. But just a couple good, fun, solid friends that I could get to know, hang out with and trust. That would be nice. Maybe for my last two semesters at Clarion I can try to make a couple more friends? Put in a little more effort, not too much so I don’t seem like a creep, but just enough to hope for further conversation. It’s worth a shot. After all, I’d really rather not be a lonely soul for my entire life!!

I struggle. I’m different. Very different. I always joke with others and say, “I’m the most unique person you’ll ever meet.” Then again, who’s not different? Who doesn’t struggle? We’re all the same essentially. We are made up of the same stuff. I’ve been getting comfortable with sharing some of the more difficult things that make me different and even alone. And if I ever do end up more alone than with friends, maybe it was just meant to be. I am quite used to the solitude now. But sometimes…I just can’t shake that longing. It’d be nice to have balance.

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