From May 16, 2014- Home Again

My previous post makes my life sound like gloom and doom and that my home life is absolutely dreadful. That’s not completely true. About a week ago, I left Clarion for my 3 month adventure at home. The best part, I’ve had an epiphany in which hope was born. Somehow, someway, I just had a gut feeling that I would actually enjoy this summer; have fun! No, I still can’t see Dave that often, didn’t get a new job, and didn’t magically acquire new friends. What I did acquire was a new outlook, a positive view that I can change within myself. I’ve been less negative lately. Less depressed. I actually want to get out of bed in the morning! This is all because of Dave. He has been helping me tremendously rearrange my life. Misplacing thoughts and even promises is something I’ve grown accustomed to, sadly. I’ve caused unnecessary hurt. Now, I’m on a straighter path I feel, for myself, for him, us and even family.

I want to show them that I can be happy. I can be responsible. I’m focusing on compassion. Last semester I had beautiful experiences with compassion…but that’s for another entry. I’ll just say now that the love within me is what I feel can change me and those around me. I’m trying to focus my energies on it to expel it to others. Honesty is going hand in hand with love and compassion. I’m getting better. Not all the way there yet…there’s underlying issues from the past that hold me back at times…but I’m working on that! Rearranging my thoughts and past perceptions to create a new perception…based not only off of my thoughts/experiences, but also Dave’s. He’s amazing. I love him, to the ends of eternity and back. In practicing compassion, I’ve been understanding him more, getting angry less, and therefore getting there to being honest more. Just the fact that I can listen to him, and not get instantly aggravated when he mentions a displeasing topic, is an improvement in my eyes. He sees it, too. We have celebrated my improvements many times! It’s beautiful. He makes me realize that I’m beautiful. No matter what. Love. Compassion. Beauty. Understanding. I can see it all.
This past semester was a tough one. 18 credits, yet somehow by the grace of God, friends and Dave, I got straight A’s! A 4.0, for the second time in my undergrad career! That was something I wasn’t expecting. I pretty much was ready to bet money on the B’s I thought I was going to receive. Nope. Didn’t happen. Magic was involved. I swear. Okay, not magic, just…love! Dave was with me a lot throughout the semester, so he got to experience my workload up close and personal…so personal, that he even helped me with assignments, papers and exams. He’s a genius. Well, aside from that, he’s wonderful because he actually cared about my schoolwork, when I thought at times he wouldn’t give two craps. I’m eternally grateful for his assistance. If it weren’t for him, I don’t think I would have done nearly as well. Yet, aside from the grades, I learned that I could actually handle a full on relationship with a full on course load. That’s another thing I never thought I’d be able to handle. My mother always told me…”you don’t need a guy in your life…they’ll only bring you down.” Well, guess what mom? This man brought me up. He taught me how to fly.
So, between the high of my perfect semester, my new visions for myself and Dave, and just my positive attitude overall, I think this summer is going to be great! I plan on spending a lot of time with family, exercising, seeing Dave for a bike ride here and there, enjoying and giving it my all at work to earn enough money for my last semester, and just doing fun hobbies. I want to do everything with positive energy! I want others to see and feel my energy! It’s what’s going to keep my spirits up for a lovely summer!

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