From May 20, 2014- Learning Regret

One of most popular questions out there is, “What do you regret most in your life?” I used to not believe in regrets. To me, regretting was dwelling on the past, not being able to fully live in the present. Dwelling on the past became extremely unhealthy for me. It’s what contributed to my depression and anxiety. So I decided not to. Just to let issues go once I felt they were done and over with so I could positively move forward. Yet, regretting isn’t just remaining stuck in the past, it’s literally defined as, to look back and weep. And of course, I’ve done that. I just have tried to do it a heck of a lot less for the sake of my mental and emotional health. And I became accustomed to just again, letting things go. So I didn’t fall back into the cycle of remaining stuck in the past, and weeping.

Yet, I guess I tempted fate a little too far and found out what regretting truly is. Breaking promises is one way to do it. Not just any promise. A promise to the man you love dearly and hold close to your heart and feel is woven into your soul. Breaking a promise that way, more than once, is earth shattering. Especially when that man you love wants to leave you, walk away to get out of the mess you created. He doesn’t even find you worthy of working through it again, in fear of it being a lost cause.

Dave did not completely leave me. Yet, I’ve never felt more scared in my entire life. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost him over an issue such as the one I created. I invested my entire life into that man. Breaking up and being friends all of a sudden would suffocate my heart. Just talking about it made me literally sick with worry and hysterical. A natural break up, sure. It could be doable. This kind? No. No where near doable. I just screwed up over and over with him. Breaking little promises which led to a big catastrophe. He’s threatened to leave before over things…similar issues, but never as serious as this. My heart breaks at the thought of it. I don’t want to go back to the old me…sad, lonely, depressed. My heart also breaks at the thought of how weak I’d instantly become if he did leave. It’s frustrating personally, because I know I have the strength to do anything I please. I can move the world!! Yet, someway, somehow, Dave has had that profound impact on me…I feel so part of him that losing him would be losing a part of myself.

I was in denial about certain things in our relationship regarding another. An ex. Upon explaining what I’ve found hidden in myself, Dave had a shift, too. All hope’s not lost. I believe we can work this out, and today, I believe we have taken a step in that direction. I’m eternally grateful for this man. This man who probably should have left me a while back for what I did, but stays and gives me everything out of the kindness and love of his soul. It’s time for me to be less selfish in our relationship and even make sacrifices. It’s obvious relationships, true, real, soul to soul relationships, aren’t easy. I’m learning every single day what it means and what it takes to be in this type of relationship. As hard as it is and has been, it’s 100% worth it in the end. In the end you feel a completeness. Loyalty. Honor. Honesty. Beauty. It’s all there when you give up part of yourself for another.

From this point forward, I want to give everything and anything I can to Dave. He deserves the best. The best of me, I’m willing to give.


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