Am I Afraid?

Last night, I had one of those profound dreams that at first, appears easy to decipher, but then trails into something much deeper. It was a simple one, not much detail or action…I was simply talking with my boyfriend in my room, all words of conversation were inaudible the entire time even though I knew we were talking. Then, right before I awoke, Dave asked conversationally, “Aren’t you afraid to throw that curve ball that you haven’t thrown (you’ve never been able to throw) before?” I woke up feeling concerned, because right before that dream, I had one where him and I were in the same room, but were in the midst of an argument. I assumed that the curve ball would be something harmful that I would do to Dave since in that dream, he was upset with me. After some thought I figured that couldn’t be it…as we are in a good space and time right now and have been for quite a while. So, I realized that it must have to do with my current path in life. The choices I’m making. The overall life I’m living. It’s not conventional, and to most of my friends and family, my relationship with Dave is already and has been the biggest curve ball thrown.

I’m both intrigued and excited to see where this leads. I’m hopeful that the curve ball is one of confidence where I’m looking to win in that last inning, to strike out the opponent so I can go on positively in the direction of my dreams. So, since I woke up this morning, I’ve been pondering possible answers to this question…am I afraid? At first I thought, why in the world would I be afraid? I’ve been living with Dave and dealing with my disapproving family for months now, and have been relatively fine…so what’s there to be worried about? Then, I considered my career…I’m currently searching to work from home along with starting my own editing business. Ultimately, I’d love to have the editing job along with a creative outlet for profit such as creating calligraphy for occasions and selling my work online. It’s not easy…so, in an essence, there could be a tad bit of fear. Will I make a satisfying profit? Will I find the market to sell my art and skills? Will I make it?

Anyway, the curve ball might be going against the grain…of what is generally expected. Fastballs– where those fresh out of college jump on the frantic job search bandwagon feeling pressured to do so. Slow pitches, where careful examination and consideration is given as to what to really do with life and work…time slips by. A curve ball though…that’s a surprise. Maybe I’m to surprise myself in my abilities to find the work I love and present/share it with the world. Maybe I’m to surprise those around me. I’ve been doubted before by my family, mom mostly, where she’d tell me things like, “you live in a dreamland and will only fall flat on your face.” I know that she means the best for me and desperately wants to see me succeed, but those words have been hurtful. They’ve stuck. And I’ve fallen victim to them discouraging me from forging onward to get where I want to go. At times, I’ve felt hopeless and helpless when it would come to seeking out a job that I could make for myself.

Perhaps it’s up to me now to pick up the ball, think fast and throw that curve ball that will be the clincher, the winning pitch to redeem myself and make a name for myself.

I am not afraid. 

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