From June 13, 2014- Believing in Energy

For many years now, I have gained a lot of knowledge about the energy that humans posses. I’m not talking about energy we use to complete everyday tasks, rather, the metaphysical, sacred energy that we all harbor in our souls. The energy that’s constantly being invisibly exchanged between us humans and that’s even being put into the universe through our wishes and desires. I’ve had a lot of practice with it, both within myself, others and Dave. Well, Dave is the primary teacher/giver of this type of energy to me. He’s the one that brought it out of me so many years ago and worked with me to bring it more alive! Since then, I’ve been able to feel it stronger, use it and even share it with others through the practice of Reiki. All of which have benefited my life significantly.

With all of my trials and long sessions of self-examination, I am slowly coming to believe that karma does exist with this energy. To me, karma was a fable, something made up to either scare or teach us, (What goes around, comes around). Some imaginary force that we could blame or rely on when certain events occurred. As of late, I’m coming to actually believe in it a little deeper. Binding with Buddhism, this personal belief is that the good you do indeed creates an influence in the system and that good is returned back to you in some way. The same for bad actions.

I am learning compassion. Everyday. Within myself. My boyfriend. My parents. I’m learning to share it freely, without anger or restriction or motivation attached. I can sense the change inside of me…a shift has been made so I can act on love, not anger. Slowly, I’m beginning to see the benefits of this. With my parents, my mom is generally in a more pleasant state than she used to be, Dave is learning more about himself and how to overcome boundaries- my anger/selfishness not being one of them, and newly, a friend, returned. A friend whom I felt wanted nothing to do with me because of my old habits of lying and damaging the relationship due to not taking responsibility of my actions. Seemingly randomly, she got in touch with me today, wanting to hang out again. My immediate reaction was to pull back, avoid her at all costs due to the past. Then I looked at the situation with compassion. I thought, “Hmm, this could be a good opportunity to mend what’s been broken in the past.” If it works, it works. If not, then not. For now, she wants to bike with me. A small act. My plan is to take our reconnecting one step at a time to feel out the situation in hopes that there are bigger outcomes.

My theory is this: I am rearranging my life. The good, the bad, the past, present and future. I’m no longer seeing despair, I’m taking responsibility for my actions instead of causing a fight due to my selfish reactions of “well that wasn’t MY fault! It was YOURS…YOU have a problem, not ME.” I’m looking to the past and taking responsibility for what I’ve done. I’m using compassion actively everyday in little ways with my parents and family members…creating a more loving space with patience and understanding. I’m helping my boyfriend, who’s helping me mend himself in the present from wounds of the past. All of this, I feel is affecting the future. The new energy is going out of me and into the universe, or some unseen dimension and is attracting new and good things in my life. The right things, at the right time. I’ve heard that referred to as the “law of attraction”. Whatever it’s called, it’s working.

As with my friend…she is someone I care about, someone that even though is a little unstable, I still wish to remain in contact with. After our last blow up/break up, I lost faith completely of us ever returning…and was happy about it. Yet, lately, with my new outlook, I’m believing somewhere deep down she’s to know the new me, thus why she got in touch with me. And this occurred at the same time when I was thinking of her and missing her. She still may have rage, sadness and hopelessness towards my actions of the past and past years even, but I can now see those situations in a new light. I can see her in a new light and attempt to mend what I’ve done. I’m determined to show her the new me, in hopes we can have a better relationship…one we’ve never had. It’s true, you can’t change people, but you can influence them to have a new perspective. That’s exactly what happened to me, and I’m just looking to pass that forward. Share the light.

I’m holding onto and giving out my energy in a positive way. I’m determined to let the new me take hold and not give in to old, damaging temptations. I’m moving on from the past to create a new and beautiful future filled with many opportunities while influencing others. Through diligence, meditation and positive thinking, I now hold my own future in my hands and know that I can control. Energy is my guide. Love is my inspiration. Nothing can bring me down, anymore.


From June 12, 2014- Part of the Cycle

 Today, I finished a beautifully crafted and poignant memoir titled, Refuge by Terry Tempest Williams. It is a book of triumph and tragedy. Of fact and faith. Heart and mind. The story is of a bird refuge in Salt Lake City, Utah and how with the changing of the lake and environment over the years, there was a changing of the patterns and cycles of the birds. She carefully wove that story with the changing patterns of her own family with her mom’s encounter and eventual death with cancer. What I truly admire most about this book, is not only Williams’ strength through hard times, but her true, dedication and connection to nature.

As I may not be closely connected or educated with birds, I can say that I have my own special connection to nature and feel that it’s been growing in me for years. The more I learn and experience and even meditate, the more I feel a sense of completeness. I feel more part of a sacred cycle.

As a child, I always wanted to play outside. Riding my bike, running around, in the dirt, being a boy and skateboarding and playing basketball and football, in winter sledding and snowboarding, even eating snow…all kinds of fun stuff. Looking closer, I enjoyed collecting different types of leaves and rocks and sticks. I kept them in the seat of my little plastic trike that opened up. Once I even had a bug collection. Nighttime was my favorite (still is) time of the day. I loved the dark, and felt nocturnal always wanting to be beneath the stars with wet dew on my feet. Around the time I was a teen, I began just sitting and reading and writing outside. At night, of course, I’d still be reading, and would do it in style by candlelight. Going back to being younger, my grandma would always come over on Saturdays to watch me while my parents went out. My favorite thing to do with her was to go for walks up the street and down one of the nearby side streets that loops around. I’d constantly be looking for things to collect, and loved to see the trees and comment on their leaves and incredible size. (I’ll also never forget the the couple trees that harbored all the caterpillars and how they carpeted the road and blanketed the leaves). And in winter, I loved playing for hours in the snow. As I got older, I began enjoying photography of the white stuff. And in spring and summer, the green stuff, especially the abundance of plants in our back yard.

All of these are some of my fondest memories. Now, since grown up, I feel a different sense of connection to nature. It’s not only the fascination and fun of diversity only pleasing to the senses, but a deeper awareness of life. I can appreciate all that’s going on. If you think about it enough, your brain will ache trying to picture all that’s happening in a single moment in nature. Kind of like all that’s happening in your body. Impossible. Yet amazing. Not many can truly appreciate the cycle of nature, the cycle that keeps us alive as well. Personally, I feel a connection to water. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve lived at a lake my entire life, but I just feel a bond with it. It’s brave and timid, gorgeous and destructive. A murderer and a life source. Such a yin and yang water is as it’s part of its own unique cycle.

As a woman, I have my own cycles that coincide with nature. Every month I shed my blood; life; a child that could have been. Every year, trees shed the leaves that gave us and other creatures life, only to be regrown to carry on the cycle. Nature is in a constant state of reproduction, therefore it’s not a virgin. Every creature and plant in nature possesses a freedom to intercourse. I have chosen that same freedom. I am not a virgin. I have become part of a divinity existing between Mother Earth and Heaven.

Nature is a feminist. A Mother who watches, protects and punishes. Giving sympathy to women who do the same yet don’t get treated as deserved. She weeps for the entire world. Sensitive yet resilient; not held back by anyone. Again, free. I long for a freedom such as that. I strive for it and somehow know it’s within reach. In the cycle.

From May 20, 2014- Learning Regret

One of most popular questions out there is, “What do you regret most in your life?” I used to not believe in regrets. To me, regretting was dwelling on the past, not being able to fully live in the present. Dwelling on the past became extremely unhealthy for me. It’s what contributed to my depression and anxiety. So I decided not to. Just to let issues go once I felt they were done and over with so I could positively move forward. Yet, regretting isn’t just remaining stuck in the past, it’s literally defined as, to look back and weep. And of course, I’ve done that. I just have tried to do it a heck of a lot less for the sake of my mental and emotional health. And I became accustomed to just again, letting things go. So I didn’t fall back into the cycle of remaining stuck in the past, and weeping.

Yet, I guess I tempted fate a little too far and found out what regretting truly is. Breaking promises is one way to do it. Not just any promise. A promise to the man you love dearly and hold close to your heart and feel is woven into your soul. Breaking a promise that way, more than once, is earth shattering. Especially when that man you love wants to leave you, walk away to get out of the mess you created. He doesn’t even find you worthy of working through it again, in fear of it being a lost cause.

Dave did not completely leave me. Yet, I’ve never felt more scared in my entire life. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost him over an issue such as the one I created. I invested my entire life into that man. Breaking up and being friends all of a sudden would suffocate my heart. Just talking about it made me literally sick with worry and hysterical. A natural break up, sure. It could be doable. This kind? No. No where near doable. I just screwed up over and over with him. Breaking little promises which led to a big catastrophe. He’s threatened to leave before over things…similar issues, but never as serious as this. My heart breaks at the thought of it. I don’t want to go back to the old me…sad, lonely, depressed. My heart also breaks at the thought of how weak I’d instantly become if he did leave. It’s frustrating personally, because I know I have the strength to do anything I please. I can move the world!! Yet, someway, somehow, Dave has had that profound impact on me…I feel so part of him that losing him would be losing a part of myself.

I was in denial about certain things in our relationship regarding another. An ex. Upon explaining what I’ve found hidden in myself, Dave had a shift, too. All hope’s not lost. I believe we can work this out, and today, I believe we have taken a step in that direction. I’m eternally grateful for this man. This man who probably should have left me a while back for what I did, but stays and gives me everything out of the kindness and love of his soul. It’s time for me to be less selfish in our relationship and even make sacrifices. It’s obvious relationships, true, real, soul to soul relationships, aren’t easy. I’m learning every single day what it means and what it takes to be in this type of relationship. As hard as it is and has been, it’s 100% worth it in the end. In the end you feel a completeness. Loyalty. Honor. Honesty. Beauty. It’s all there when you give up part of yourself for another.

From this point forward, I want to give everything and anything I can to Dave. He deserves the best. The best of me, I’m willing to give.

From May 16, 2014- Home Again

My previous post makes my life sound like gloom and doom and that my home life is absolutely dreadful. That’s not completely true. About a week ago, I left Clarion for my 3 month adventure at home. The best part, I’ve had an epiphany in which hope was born. Somehow, someway, I just had a gut feeling that I would actually enjoy this summer; have fun! No, I still can’t see Dave that often, didn’t get a new job, and didn’t magically acquire new friends. What I did acquire was a new outlook, a positive view that I can change within myself. I’ve been less negative lately. Less depressed. I actually want to get out of bed in the morning! This is all because of Dave. He has been helping me tremendously rearrange my life. Misplacing thoughts and even promises is something I’ve grown accustomed to, sadly. I’ve caused unnecessary hurt. Now, I’m on a straighter path I feel, for myself, for him, us and even family.

I want to show them that I can be happy. I can be responsible. I’m focusing on compassion. Last semester I had beautiful experiences with compassion…but that’s for another entry. I’ll just say now that the love within me is what I feel can change me and those around me. I’m trying to focus my energies on it to expel it to others. Honesty is going hand in hand with love and compassion. I’m getting better. Not all the way there yet…there’s underlying issues from the past that hold me back at times…but I’m working on that! Rearranging my thoughts and past perceptions to create a new perception…based not only off of my thoughts/experiences, but also Dave’s. He’s amazing. I love him, to the ends of eternity and back. In practicing compassion, I’ve been understanding him more, getting angry less, and therefore getting there to being honest more. Just the fact that I can listen to him, and not get instantly aggravated when he mentions a displeasing topic, is an improvement in my eyes. He sees it, too. We have celebrated my improvements many times! It’s beautiful. He makes me realize that I’m beautiful. No matter what. Love. Compassion. Beauty. Understanding. I can see it all.
This past semester was a tough one. 18 credits, yet somehow by the grace of God, friends and Dave, I got straight A’s! A 4.0, for the second time in my undergrad career! That was something I wasn’t expecting. I pretty much was ready to bet money on the B’s I thought I was going to receive. Nope. Didn’t happen. Magic was involved. I swear. Okay, not magic, just…love! Dave was with me a lot throughout the semester, so he got to experience my workload up close and personal…so personal, that he even helped me with assignments, papers and exams. He’s a genius. Well, aside from that, he’s wonderful because he actually cared about my schoolwork, when I thought at times he wouldn’t give two craps. I’m eternally grateful for his assistance. If it weren’t for him, I don’t think I would have done nearly as well. Yet, aside from the grades, I learned that I could actually handle a full on relationship with a full on course load. That’s another thing I never thought I’d be able to handle. My mother always told me…”you don’t need a guy in your life…they’ll only bring you down.” Well, guess what mom? This man brought me up. He taught me how to fly.
So, between the high of my perfect semester, my new visions for myself and Dave, and just my positive attitude overall, I think this summer is going to be great! I plan on spending a lot of time with family, exercising, seeing Dave for a bike ride here and there, enjoying and giving it my all at work to earn enough money for my last semester, and just doing fun hobbies. I want to do everything with positive energy! I want others to see and feel my energy! It’s what’s going to keep my spirits up for a lovely summer!

From April 25, 2014- Living Inside

I should be happy. Nothing’s gone wrong, I make others happy and it’s not like I’m in poor physical condition. Emotionally, I contemplate everything. That’s my problem. That’s why happiness is elusive. Alone, and living inside my mind where I’m free to create, contemplate and possibly smile, I keep thinking of what was, how things came to be for this present moment and how things could potentially turn out. I scarcely have a positive outlook. Since summer, painfully, is quickly approaching once again– I’m to brace myself for home. Again return– for the fourth time actually– to home. Where I lose so much. Freedom, friends, happiness.

Dave and I have improved tremendously in the past few weeks…I should be thrilled. But, I’m not. I’m already lamenting the fact that I won’t see him over the next few months. I should be thankful he’s even present in my life…but I’ve gotten so attached to this man who’s shown me incredible love. No one’s ever given me love like that before. Only him. Once upon a time, when I loved another, I became attached to that feeling of being loved as well. That situation/relationship ended not as desired. I suppose the same fear is existing in my mind now. The same situation won’t go away.

So, I’m forced to live inside, where not many know of Dave and I and forced to create happiness since it cannot be done in person. Mar Gray’s right to an extent. It does hurt. I used to be so obsessed with my new found relationship way back when, that I felt compelled to make attempts to sneak and see the one I loved. Now, there’s been a transition. Less obsession of the mind, more desire from the heart. Less lust. More love. It’s become so essential for me. Like air and water I need love to sustain me.

Why is it that only one person can accomplish such a thing within me? I have many friends and a decent-sized family– you’d think that’d suffice. I almost wish it would. As content as I am living alone– I’m ready for a more constant presence of love in my life. It’s still far away. No one wants to be committed to me– a mostly introverted (getting better at that day by day), bisexual whose views and opinions differ significantly from the world’s and whose interests can seem eccentric. I can’t even accumulate friends who see things as I do…who have similar things in common. Well, I could and do, but only up to a certain point. After, it’s silence.

I wonder what it’s like to live on the outside? The inside is all I’ve ever known, and I’m afraid it’s all I’ll ever know.

From Jan. 20, 2014- Solitary Longing

The other day, I was watching one of those survivor shows on TV, where the guy gets left on an island for so long and has to work with the environment and the few belongings on him to survive. At night, he lit a fire and said it wasn’t for warmth, but rather comfort for the loneliness.

And somehow, I can feel for that guy. Of course, he’ll live, and get off that island and return to whatever his life was before. Heck, maybe he even is lucky enough to have a wife…but in that moment where he felt alone…that’s where I could feel for him. As I myself often feel like I’m stranded on some distant island, miles away from civilization. There’s not many friends I’m connected with at home; when I’m home for long breaks, I’m pretty much confined to my house. I don’t have a car and my parents only have one, and my dad works the majority of the time. Now, I do spend plenty of time with family, but that doesn’t satisfy my need to feel loved or important, or just wanted, even for a short period of time. It’s like time stands still with me, and in that time that isn’t budging an inch, I feel invisible. For the most part, I truly enjoy it. I can read, write, draw, sing, daydream…all without being bothered. I can’t help but to feel frustrated when my social life seems confined to facebook and texting.

Maybe years ago it was my doing…I was that awkward kid back in elementary school…made friends…but was different. Once jr. high and high school hit, I didn’t want to be part of any clique, besides, my school was filled with hicks, bitches and weirdo’s. No thank you. I made a nice little group of friends though. Right after high school though, everyone went their separate ways…guess that’s to be expected…but I was the one who remained the same…while everyone else got jobs, boyfriends, and girlfriends and all…and I tried to hang on to those friendships…and they faded. Then I made it to college, and thankfully have more friends there who actually want to see me!! Sad part is they all live on the opposite side of the state, and I’m graduating in two semesters. Then it’s part two of the friends fading away scene.

The main point of all this is that sometimes I have a longing for more. Not that I’m a big group person. I never attend parties, of course they’re all the same and always involve too much alcohol and that’s not my scene. But just a couple good, fun, solid friends that I could get to know, hang out with and trust. That would be nice. Maybe for my last two semesters at Clarion I can try to make a couple more friends? Put in a little more effort, not too much so I don’t seem like a creep, but just enough to hope for further conversation. It’s worth a shot. After all, I’d really rather not be a lonely soul for my entire life!!

I struggle. I’m different. Very different. I always joke with others and say, “I’m the most unique person you’ll ever meet.” Then again, who’s not different? Who doesn’t struggle? We’re all the same essentially. We are made up of the same stuff. I’ve been getting comfortable with sharing some of the more difficult things that make me different and even alone. And if I ever do end up more alone than with friends, maybe it was just meant to be. I am quite used to the solitude now. But sometimes…I just can’t shake that longing. It’d be nice to have balance.