The dreams of my mother have been frequent again. I remember when I first moved out that they were and that made sense, because I was nervous and sad…I genuinely missed her and wanted to be back home in a way. The dreams faded as I became more comfortable living with Dave. Dave and I’s life together was the main focus at the time, along with school, and then, I didn’t have any dreams about him or about our situations. So, after a lull of a few months, my mother has been on my mind again. We rarely talk. As a matter of fact, the last time that we actually spoke in a normal, kinda fun way was my graduation weekend, which was almost three months ago. Since then, it’s been hard. We’ve discussed business things…and even there, she’s cold and doesn’t reach beyond whatever the business is that we’re discussing. (Lately it’s been my insurance with them…concerning the dentist and all). The other time that she recently wrote to me, was just to flip out and again, tell me that I’m wrong and that I’m not going to learn…(regarding posting something on facebook that was directed toward my aunt…it wasn’t malicious, but it definitely was a post that I wanted to use to get her attention at the time, because, she’s another one that I can’t seem to get through to). And yes, I’ll admit that publicly putting that kind of thing out there isn’t the smartest choice…it does typically reflect poorly on someone only for the fact that everyone else can see it and will ridicule, and judge, etc. But it was something that I felt justified to do, and I did, and it’s over.
Anyway…the point is, is that my mother will only speak to me if she feels she needs to rant at me for something I did “wrong” or if there’s some kind of business to take care of. In a way, I can understand her concerns…sometimes…but the way she comes across with those things is harsh, not helpful and just plain aggravating. I end up feeling angry instead of helped. Somewhere inside of her, I know she could have the capability of talking to me like a civil human being and nicely expressing her concerns, even if they are over something stupid I’ve done. That’s typically what I’d expect a good parent to do, no matter the age of their child. It’s happened before, believe it or not…and in those moments, I feel a true connection with her, and that makes me happy, thinking that everything is in balance.
I surely do digress.
The dream: I’m standing in the middle of my living room, my parents on one side, and my aunt and uncle on the other. We all seem to be talking normally, when suddenly, I begin to yell at my mom. I unleash the things inside me that I’ve never dared to say before. I say things along the lines of, “The way you brought me up, you were always harsh, and mean, and I know that you did do a good job, but it was still hard. …You’re always so cold and rash about everything…I know that there is something deep down inside of you that you are upset/angry over and you regret it and that’s why you can’t do anything differently.” After I finished my rant, my mom fell silent, shrunk and pulled her head down. There was an awkward pause before my aunt and uncle changed the subject quickly saying that they had to get going, they hugged me and told me that I needed to come down soon to see the new molding in the bathroom.
I woke up feeling surprisingly and strangely satisfied. I felt that I had exposed something within my mom that she knew as well as I did was true. The way she lowered her head was like how a child does when he or she gets caught red-handed slathering finger paints all over the kitchen walls. Pure shame and maybe guilt…either way, that realization that they’ve done something to upset whoever and they know it. They don’t try to deny it.
In real life…I can bet my whole future of savings that if I were to confront/expose my mother like that, she would rapidly, as always, claim me to be the “effed up one” and say, “Are you out of your goddamned mind?” “You need a psychiatrist.” Not that I would flip out on her, in reality, I would love to just ask her, kindly, nicely, to get to the root of the issue- if there was anything in her past either from childhood or her first marriage that made her feel like she had to be so adamantly in control of her life and others. And what went wrong to cause the bitterness?
That’s the obstacle that I’ve been facing for many years now. I want it to end. I want to talk, but first, she needs to be able to talk with me…things are still to stirred up from me being with Dave…I don’t think it’s a good time. I’m concerned though that that time isn’t going to come.
I guess in the meantime, I will keep on living my life the way I want to…I can’t let her and my dreams of her get in my way and let me down. When the time is right, things will change. Everything in its own time…in its right time and place. Until then, the paradox of my mother will continue to live on.