Why is there this paradox of love and pain that constantly lives and haunts? It’s not always with a significant other, for me, it has to do with my family. There’s a fissure that’s grown deep and wide, slowly breaking us apart. There’s a battle, and unfortunately, I find it in vain. There’s no need to fight, to be sad, to be torn. Yet, all of those things exist and worse yet, they are steadfast. There’s really no easy way to say this, but for me, the cold truth is that my mother has been my pain, love and sorrow for seemingly endless years now. We are light and darkness wrapped in eternal space, two souls capable of depths of love who are trapped within each others’ minds. Is there no way out? I push and she pushes me back, away. All I desperately long for is a bond, a closeness- that basic, human and animal alike maternal love that’s desired at everyone’s core. Life is fleeting, soaring everyday, like a sustained note echoing through an empty hall…it eventually fades away. My mother needs to feel life…we recently had an extremely hard talk. She’s fragile. Her mind, her heart. It’s all the most delicate glass, at the highest spire, always at risk to be broken by a strong gust of wind. She claims that her heart is broken over what I have done, that all the damage has already been done and can’t be taken away…there’s nothing or no one that can change anything. Ever.
My heart is broken over her words. Not only those, but those which suggest a more worrisome issue…her health. That’s always been fragile. Now it’s her mental health as well…she speaks of depression and just going from day to day, practically wishing she would die. There was a time once before where I heard her say things like that, and that was when she was sick in the hospital for weeks and sincerely almost did die. Before that though, she got is such a down slump, a deterioration that I had to witness day after day, and kept saying that she wouldn’t care if she just went. I don’t want that again.
I wanted to kill myself once. I know that slump. It’s the darkest place any human mind can go. I’m still in a slump…not as horrid as that…but depression is still present. Now, even more, because I feel completely helpless for my mother. I need her. She needs me. I don’t want to go on living like this until one day she really does pass away and I have to look back and think of all the time we never spent together when it was totally possible. God forbid I were to pass away before her…it’d be the same thing. She’d regret not getting her head on straight in order to live with me, her only daughter.
Okay, enough about death. Really though, this is killing me. I’ve regretted everything I’ve done to my parents. Yes, I’ve lied to them for years to attain my own happiness, and no it wasn’t right, but now it’s over. I’m never to lie to them, or anyone again. Maybe I need to apologize deeper? Write them a personal letter from the depths of my soul? I’m not sorry I left home, and I can understand how that’s hard on my mom, but no matter what, she should still hold love and concern for me. Especially at this point. I’m still the same woman that I was when I left, if not better. She needs to recognize the good in me. All that I’ve become and all that I’ve been. The bad things are always what seems sticks in life. Somehow, one big wrong or a bunch of little wrongs can outweigh 100.5 good things. My mother needs to see light and hope and understanding. She needs to quit hanging on to whatever demon that dwells within her. It’s poison.
I feel like time is running out…again…and I’m terrified. I feel I am the one responsible to save her…but no, I know that she is the one responsible for herself. Yet, she’s not willing to look within or at me. I’m wondering where to turn and what to do to change all of this so that we can have a healthy relationship. If we never get that back, there’s not much hope for happiness for either one of us.
I’m going to a small group meeting/counseling thing called Landmark on Monday to hopefully get some answers. Dave tells me that the people there are trained to help you to see something inside of yourself that you’ve never seen before. When Dave brought up going, I was in the heated conversation with my mom, so I was angry, I wanted nothing to do with this seemingly useless tactic of talking with a stranger…but now, I feel desperate, but a little more hopeful. I’m willing to try anything, and I hear that these people are not like counselors- they are actually compassionate and empathetic and dig down deep in your soul to pull something out that’s useful. What I’m yearning for is that useful…whatever it may be…insight? so that I can approach my mother in a different and productive way.
Here’s to hoping for a better future with less sorrow, more love