Killing Death

“You’ve given me the courage, you gave me confidence, to never be afraid of life, afraid of killing death.” -Circle II Circle

A song from one of my favorite and influential bands. This song in particular has meaning for me in a couple ways. One, meaning is related to my boyfriend, that I’ve had in mind for a while regarding my life, and the other meaning just came to me today. Recently, I got sad news that my uncle’s cancer, which he’s been fighting for months now, made its way to his brain and is slowly taking over. 😦 He was given about six months to live from what my aunt and mom told me. This is such a huge shock to the whole family. My uncle is someone who seems to be invincible; with his hard working ethics and family values at hand he appears as if nothing could ever go wrong. He was a carpenter for most of his life, then resigned to smaller jobs. Still, each one required a lot, and through it all, he gave his all. Since he was diagnosed with cancer almost a year ago, he still worked everyday to make ends meet for himself and my aunt.

With this sad news have been said, I’ve been reflecting on life and what it means to really live. Obviously, life is indeed short. You never know when your time is going to be up. It’s so easy to get caught up in life that you forget it could end. I have sworn to live my life to the fullest for quite a while now, mostly though that took place and more action when I left home and was able to be with Dave fully. I felt my life open up in incredible ways and everyday felt like a blessing rather than a curse. Or, just a day that was going to go by without anything meaningful and or exciting happening. I’m alive now. Everyday, I see the beauty of life. I see it in myself, in Dave and in the place where I’m living.

This morning, I woke up to two deer outside the window. It was wonderful to see this kind of life up close. It’s that type of thing that people tend to take for granted. “Psh, deer? Why would I care about them? See ’em every day, so what?” My attitude is swayed to the extreme opposite of that. “Wow, look at these amazing, delicate but strong creatures coming so close to the house! I want to take in their beauty of life and observe them happily. I am thankful for the deer.” There’s more to life when you can appreciate even the natural world you’re living in. In general, since getting into Buddhism more, I’ve been able to look closer at nature and really appreciate, and connect with it. Having that attitude has helped me greatly and has made me happier-  leaves me with a feeling that life is worth living, that even when you think there’s nothing good left, there’s a small (or large) beauty always around if you look close enough.

In my daily actions, I try to understand more who I am, what I do and how I affect others. Especially with Dave. We have been working hard on our relationship; we have been getting to the core of each others’ soul to unveil our true selves so that we might know each other and love each other more deeply and fully. It’s such a beautiful thing. With this type of connection, I can feel the sacredness that lives inside of us, between us. These are feelings I have come to love and appreciate beyond anything I’ve ever appreciated before. I’ve been working to expand on them and feel fully alive in that sense.

In general, I want to do more with my life. There’s a need inside of me to be more active and accomplish more so that I can feel like I’ve made a difference and an impact, both within myself and others. Dave’s life is my greatest inspiration for my life. It has been for so many years now. Ever since I met him, and got to know him- his personality first, and then his work and passions, I felt that he was someone that was truly happy and that people like that are hard to find…I wanted to live life with such vibrancy. Years passed, we separated, but still, there he was in the back of my mind and when we reconnected and got into a relationship, I saw a crack in my life that was stuck in a rut…when I moved out, I realized that I really could, finally, learn to live and experience life the way he does- completely happy while seeing the sacred and magical in everything.

I’m convinced everything happens for a reason. There’s no doubt that trouble befalls us only to teach us or bring us closer to another truth that’s not yet found. I will live. Breathe. Be close with those whose lives are further along. And I will share the wonder and joy that I perceive so that they may have a glimmer of hope in a darkening world.

Sorrow

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