Am I Afraid?

Last night, I had one of those profound dreams that at first, appears easy to decipher, but then trails into something much deeper. It was a simple one, not much detail or action…I was simply talking with my boyfriend in my room, all words of conversation were inaudible the entire time even though I knew we were talking. Then, right before I awoke, Dave asked conversationally, “Aren’t you afraid to throw that curve ball that you haven’t thrown (you’ve never been able to throw) before?” I woke up feeling concerned, because right before that dream, I had one where him and I were in the same room, but were in the midst of an argument. I assumed that the curve ball would be something harmful that I would do to Dave since in that dream, he was upset with me. After some thought I figured that couldn’t be it…as we are in a good space and time right now and have been for quite a while. So, I realized that it must have to do with my current path in life. The choices I’m making. The overall life I’m living. It’s not conventional, and to most of my friends and family, my relationship with Dave is already and has been the biggest curve ball thrown.

I’m both intrigued and excited to see where this leads. I’m hopeful that the curve ball is one of confidence where I’m looking to win in that last inning, to strike out the opponent so I can go on positively in the direction of my dreams. So, since I woke up this morning, I’ve been pondering possible answers to this question…am I afraid? At first I thought, why in the world would I be afraid? I’ve been living with Dave and dealing with my disapproving family for months now, and have been relatively fine…so what’s there to be worried about? Then, I considered my career…I’m currently searching to work from home along with starting my own editing business. Ultimately, I’d love to have the editing job along with a creative outlet for profit such as creating calligraphy for occasions and selling my work online. It’s not easy…so, in an essence, there could be a tad bit of fear. Will I make a satisfying profit? Will I find the market to sell my art and skills? Will I make it?

Anyway, the curve ball might be going against the grain…of what is generally expected. Fastballs– where those fresh out of college jump on the frantic job search bandwagon feeling pressured to do so. Slow pitches, where careful examination and consideration is given as to what to really do with life and work…time slips by. A curve ball though…that’s a surprise. Maybe I’m to surprise myself in my abilities to find the work I love and present/share it with the world. Maybe I’m to surprise those around me. I’ve been doubted before by my family, mom mostly, where she’d tell me things like, “you live in a dreamland and will only fall flat on your face.” I know that she means the best for me and desperately wants to see me succeed, but those words have been hurtful. They’ve stuck. And I’ve fallen victim to them discouraging me from forging onward to get where I want to go. At times, I’ve felt hopeless and helpless when it would come to seeking out a job that I could make for myself.

Perhaps it’s up to me now to pick up the ball, think fast and throw that curve ball that will be the clincher, the winning pitch to redeem myself and make a name for myself.

I am not afraid. 

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From Oct. 26, 2014- Finding Me

Joseph Campbell created a myth called the “Hero’s Journey”, which consists of, a stereotypical ‘hero’, or even an average person going through a cycle in which they: are called to an adventure. Have to cross a threshold into an unfamiliar and sometimes scary/dangerous place. Go through battles and emotional trials. Better themselves/grow to learn/gain from the experiences on the journey. Then cross the threshold back into their world to bring back to others what they have gained. We all have the ability to accept the call and go outside of our comfort zone to truly experience life and to learn what it has to offer…both the good and the bad. In the end, life is more fulfilling in the moment you realize you overcame boundaries and fears. You owe it to yourself to answer your life’s greatest callings and experience the journey that lies ahead.
This was my facebook status the other day that I posted, not long after Dave and I watched a brilliant movie/documentary called, “Finding Joe”. The movie contains several celebrities giving their stories of success using Campbell’s myth. Intertwined with the stories, the points are illustrated through the portrayal of children acting out each scenario and concept in a silly/cute way. Overall, the movie sheds light on way of living that mostly everyone experiences but just doesn’t realize. Or, it could shed light on a way of living that someone has never experienced.
Another random tie in with this, is that in my Medieval Lit. class I’m currently taking, we talked about this concept in regards to Beowulf, Sir Gawain and then Bilbo from The Hobbit. and LOTR. Apparently, I was meant to be learning about this and connecting it to my life right now.
My call to adventure was Dave. Time and time again he shared his hopes of having me free for both myself and ourselves, if I were to accept the call and break free. He told me that I could have anything I desired…it was all in my reach, all I had to do was reach out and take it. He inspired me to stand up for myself and live a life that I could call my own.
Crossing the threshold was actually destroying the wall, the strong bulwark that shielded me from greener grass and sweeter flowers. For me, the day I stepped out of my parent’s house and into Dave’s was the day I entered a new world in which I had only heard of but never experienced. In a sense, it was frightening…to just up and leave in an instant…to not think about the future, but to just act in the moment, somehow expecting the future to fall into place.
Emotional trials are pretty self-explanatory. Not long after I crossed my threshold, I had to return briefly. This was not an easy task. It was like returning to a cave in which you once dwelt…cold, unwelcoming and sad. I’d rather not compare my own home to a dingy cave, but there were no other feelings I felt upon my return. Tears streamed nearly from the minute I walked in to the moment I walked out. The hardest part of saying goodbye, is when you attempt to attach a heartfelt “I love you” to the end of that and it’s painstakingly rejected in that moment, and cruelly not returned.
Insofar, I am remaining on my path despite the battles and hardships along the way. Dreams of random occasions including my parents or other family members are never ceasing. At least 6 out of the past 7 nights, I have had a weird dream that embodied them in some way. I wake up confused and strikingly sad. I want them to end.
Dave and I are de-cluttering our lives in the meantime. As his house improves, his mind and spirit do, too. We’re constantly creating new adventures for ourselves. Adventures that include fun experiences as well as learning ones. Our lives combined as one are powerful. And it’s in this power and ultimate Love that I wish to return to my family. As the hero’s journey myth states, the hero returns to their original place to share what they have found, gained and learned. I’m not sure this will be doable in the near future, but I am holding the hopes in my heart that in the not too distant future, I will be able to return a changed hero. I will shed the light I’ve sought and gained onto those who are still in the dark.
“Chase this rising wind
Anchor released
No want of landing.
All in deep despair
Come feel the air
In its full finale.
And yes, the chase is on
I’ll look beyond
With the bedlam behind me.
And I embrace the sky
My soul will cry
May your wind ever find me”

From May 20, 2014- Learning Regret

One of most popular questions out there is, “What do you regret most in your life?” I used to not believe in regrets. To me, regretting was dwelling on the past, not being able to fully live in the present. Dwelling on the past became extremely unhealthy for me. It’s what contributed to my depression and anxiety. So I decided not to. Just to let issues go once I felt they were done and over with so I could positively move forward. Yet, regretting isn’t just remaining stuck in the past, it’s literally defined as, to look back and weep. And of course, I’ve done that. I just have tried to do it a heck of a lot less for the sake of my mental and emotional health. And I became accustomed to just again, letting things go. So I didn’t fall back into the cycle of remaining stuck in the past, and weeping.

Yet, I guess I tempted fate a little too far and found out what regretting truly is. Breaking promises is one way to do it. Not just any promise. A promise to the man you love dearly and hold close to your heart and feel is woven into your soul. Breaking a promise that way, more than once, is earth shattering. Especially when that man you love wants to leave you, walk away to get out of the mess you created. He doesn’t even find you worthy of working through it again, in fear of it being a lost cause.

Dave did not completely leave me. Yet, I’ve never felt more scared in my entire life. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost him over an issue such as the one I created. I invested my entire life into that man. Breaking up and being friends all of a sudden would suffocate my heart. Just talking about it made me literally sick with worry and hysterical. A natural break up, sure. It could be doable. This kind? No. No where near doable. I just screwed up over and over with him. Breaking little promises which led to a big catastrophe. He’s threatened to leave before over things…similar issues, but never as serious as this. My heart breaks at the thought of it. I don’t want to go back to the old me…sad, lonely, depressed. My heart also breaks at the thought of how weak I’d instantly become if he did leave. It’s frustrating personally, because I know I have the strength to do anything I please. I can move the world!! Yet, someway, somehow, Dave has had that profound impact on me…I feel so part of him that losing him would be losing a part of myself.

I was in denial about certain things in our relationship regarding another. An ex. Upon explaining what I’ve found hidden in myself, Dave had a shift, too. All hope’s not lost. I believe we can work this out, and today, I believe we have taken a step in that direction. I’m eternally grateful for this man. This man who probably should have left me a while back for what I did, but stays and gives me everything out of the kindness and love of his soul. It’s time for me to be less selfish in our relationship and even make sacrifices. It’s obvious relationships, true, real, soul to soul relationships, aren’t easy. I’m learning every single day what it means and what it takes to be in this type of relationship. As hard as it is and has been, it’s 100% worth it in the end. In the end you feel a completeness. Loyalty. Honor. Honesty. Beauty. It’s all there when you give up part of yourself for another.

From this point forward, I want to give everything and anything I can to Dave. He deserves the best. The best of me, I’m willing to give.

From Jan. 20, 2014- Solitary Longing

The other day, I was watching one of those survivor shows on TV, where the guy gets left on an island for so long and has to work with the environment and the few belongings on him to survive. At night, he lit a fire and said it wasn’t for warmth, but rather comfort for the loneliness.

And somehow, I can feel for that guy. Of course, he’ll live, and get off that island and return to whatever his life was before. Heck, maybe he even is lucky enough to have a wife…but in that moment where he felt alone…that’s where I could feel for him. As I myself often feel like I’m stranded on some distant island, miles away from civilization. There’s not many friends I’m connected with at home; when I’m home for long breaks, I’m pretty much confined to my house. I don’t have a car and my parents only have one, and my dad works the majority of the time. Now, I do spend plenty of time with family, but that doesn’t satisfy my need to feel loved or important, or just wanted, even for a short period of time. It’s like time stands still with me, and in that time that isn’t budging an inch, I feel invisible. For the most part, I truly enjoy it. I can read, write, draw, sing, daydream…all without being bothered. I can’t help but to feel frustrated when my social life seems confined to facebook and texting.

Maybe years ago it was my doing…I was that awkward kid back in elementary school…made friends…but was different. Once jr. high and high school hit, I didn’t want to be part of any clique, besides, my school was filled with hicks, bitches and weirdo’s. No thank you. I made a nice little group of friends though. Right after high school though, everyone went their separate ways…guess that’s to be expected…but I was the one who remained the same…while everyone else got jobs, boyfriends, and girlfriends and all…and I tried to hang on to those friendships…and they faded. Then I made it to college, and thankfully have more friends there who actually want to see me!! Sad part is they all live on the opposite side of the state, and I’m graduating in two semesters. Then it’s part two of the friends fading away scene.

The main point of all this is that sometimes I have a longing for more. Not that I’m a big group person. I never attend parties, of course they’re all the same and always involve too much alcohol and that’s not my scene. But just a couple good, fun, solid friends that I could get to know, hang out with and trust. That would be nice. Maybe for my last two semesters at Clarion I can try to make a couple more friends? Put in a little more effort, not too much so I don’t seem like a creep, but just enough to hope for further conversation. It’s worth a shot. After all, I’d really rather not be a lonely soul for my entire life!!

I struggle. I’m different. Very different. I always joke with others and say, “I’m the most unique person you’ll ever meet.” Then again, who’s not different? Who doesn’t struggle? We’re all the same essentially. We are made up of the same stuff. I’ve been getting comfortable with sharing some of the more difficult things that make me different and even alone. And if I ever do end up more alone than with friends, maybe it was just meant to be. I am quite used to the solitude now. But sometimes…I just can’t shake that longing. It’d be nice to have balance.

From Dec. 30, 2013- Escapist

“A nightingale in a golden cage, that’s me, locked inside reality’s maze. Come someone, make my heavy heart light, come undone, bring me back to life.” -Nightwish

I am an escapist. I have been for years. I am the nightingale in the golden cage, I am Rapunzel in the tallest tower; susceptible to fears and cruelness of reality, that have always been pressed upon me from outside the walls and bars that have enclosed me for so long. I have felt I’ve had no choice to be an escapist. For when trapped behind bars for so long, watching the world pass me by, I’ve scarcely had any other options. Yet, a few times in the past few years, I’ve managed to squeeze my way out of the cage and I’ve managed to scale down the walls of the tower…I’ve witnessed an entirely different world than what I constantly perceived. It was a world filled with wonder and awe. There was no pain, no tears, no bitterness….just love. The purity of love overflowed in this time and place and managed to make its way inside of me…inside of my heart, mind and soul. There were a few people who shared this immense, incomparable love. Those friends and loved ones, and one special loved one. I’ve never felt happier. I’ve never felt more free.

All too soon though, after each and every time I caught freedom on the tip of my wings, or by the wisps of my hair, I had to return to the cage, my tower. My guardian, my very own mother was and is the overseer and key holder. With constant sadness and tears that have streamed down my face one too many times, I still believed I was in the right place, because with me in my place, my keeper is happy. She cares about my life, just not the way I would imagine a caring being to be. For in my times of faint freedom, I have witnessed souls who cared and loved with an entirely different outlook. Personally, I quite enjoyed their outlooks a lot more!

Now, desire and escapism consumes me. Day after day, I desperately try to find a way out. If only in reality. I dream of flying free to see the depth of happiness that life has to offer. I dream of letting my hair down to my prince, who’s courageously awaiting my escape. I dream of waking to a new day, where there’s no fear, no sadness, nor anxiety. Unfortunately, these are the emotions that have taken over, and more unfortunately, I have become accustomed to feeling them; just accepting them as part of my life, and feeling not able to change the circumstances as to not disrupt the “natural” balance of life. For if I ever flew out of my cage when the door was left open, the one who loved me most, my mother, would be ever-so filled with rage, anger and sadness. She would feel as though I betrayed her…the one who gave me everything I needed to live and have a good life. If later in the future, I chose to come back to the cage, she’d have already gotten rid of it. I wouldn’t have a place to rest my weary wings. Her love for me would be changed forever. For this, I’m sure I’d be sad, and it’d be hard to find the patience to reclaim a lost happiness inside of her, if there such a thing ever existed to begin with. So, I’d be destined to fly off once more to the happy place and completely leave an old world behind….but not without the concern for those who I left behind in that colder world.

For now, I suppose I’ll remain in my cage and tower. I will wait, patiently, for the day when I’m ready to let it all go, and possibly even show my mom the life I’ve seen that she hasn’t. Whether she’d take it to heart or not, I still would feel satisfied, knowing that I’ve at least exposed her to a different world, my world. The world that I now live in, in my mind, as an escapist.

From July 8, 2013- Not the One

Always behind, never ahead

Watching others pass you by

You wonder where your life is

Where it’s came from

Where it’s going

On the sidelines there’s a lot to see

Observe the lucky and blessed

Watch those who aren’t fall

Broken and on their knees

Like yourself

You’ve got nowhere to go

No one to help you out

Feeling alone and lost

In a vast mixed up jungle

Where the weeds are high

No flowers to be picked

Shielding hope of all redemption

Of yourself

[I don’t want to be the one on the sidelines

Don’t want to wonder what it’s like

To love another without conditions

To live free of doubt and frustration

I don’t want to be the one chasing dreams

While nightmares hunt me down

Again and again

In a disillusioned time and place]

You keep your heart folded

Neatly in a locked case

No one can see it-

Can find it to make it theirs

Is this how you want it?

To feel so guarded

Do you want devotion?

Instead of devastation?

There needs to be a transition

A way out of the maze

Once forever dwelled in

Break the chains holding you back

Challenge the burdens thrown

On you constantly

Live to defeat them

Rise above everyday expectations

[I don’t want to be the one on the sidelines

Don’t want to wonder what it’s like

To love another without conditions

To live free of doubt and frustration

I don’t want to be the one chasing dreams

While nightmares hunt me down

Again and again

In a disillusioned time and place]

From June 11, 2013- What is Eternal?

One of my favorite Trans-Siberian Orchestra songs, “What is Eternal?” from Beethoven’s Last Night (2000), poses some good, deep questions, that I just started pondering lately with a friend. The lyrics go: “And here in this night, as I feel the inferno, I stare in the dark, thinking- what is eternal? The man or the moment? The act, or the reason?…” So, my friend decided to bring up some interesting points about that one question…what is eternal? The man or the moment? He asked his own question then answered:

“Can the man, over the course of a lifetime erase that one moment?  I think the answer depends on the interpretation of eternity. If eternity were an elongation of time, then the man would be eternal, and the moment would be almost meaningless.”

I responded saying that I don’t think a moment could ever truly be erased, rather, just overridden by the next moment and the next and the next. Kind of like waves in the ocean, one waves crashes right into the next, creating a beautiful display in the ocean. Our lives are like the ocean, and the moments, the waves. Eternity is the universe in which they both exist; the moon, pulling the waters over and over again.

That response that my friend made, also poses this question in my mind…how many moments are truly meaningful in our lives? Are they all meaningful? Considering cause and effect of every little thing we do, which can connect to the bigger picture? Or are only the larger, more significant moments meaningful? Because those are the ones that impact us and possibly others the most? …I personally believe every moment in life, no matter how small, or large, is significant. And all those moments add up and even can come back to us in some way. It’s a cycle.

Back to the original question…man is not eternal, well man’s soul is, but as for moments, I like to believe that some are. That when we transcend to another life, moments and memories follow to be looked back upon. The same with both act and reason combined.

Then again, maybe in the end, they all wouldn’t matter. Because we’d be in a completely new realm; a place where those past moments and memories wouldn’t have any meaning compared to what was to come in eternity…