Creating Healthy Boundaries

Image result for chinese symbol for balance with english

“When confrontation arises, we face it without aggression. When someone opposes us, we do not give in to anger. We view no one as a competitor because we do not seek our own way.

We know our strengths and we know our weaknesses. We use them each for benefit. We are not trying to fix ourselves or others so we move naturally and easily along our path.” –Tao Te Ching (translation of verse 68)*

Sometimes, you just gotta walk away. Take a deep breath, and take some steps back. Are you dealing with someone that you still want in your life but your relationship isn’t quite meshing? Have you been trying to convince them of a point of view, an attitude, a new way of being, a belief? There are times when no matter how many words you say, conversations (or arguments) you have, a person will not change their view. And that’s okay! Instead of getting stuck with spinning tires, lay off the gas, and turn the motor off! Breathe. I’ve been learning and practicing this essential trick for the past few months with my family.

Here’s a secret to letting go: realize it’s not the person that you are walking away from- it’s their behavior. I struggled with that concept for a long time until Dave led me to a personal epiphany. So many times people are quick to judge. Quick to doom a situation. Quick to give up and think that they have to get rid of the person that they are in conflict with. Yep, that’s where I was! In my mind, I was never going to have my family back, because they will never change, and the only solution to heal the pain then was to detach completely. And that felt pretty crappy. I still yearned to talk to my family and remain in close connection.

I had to give up what was in my way since they weren’t willing to give up what’s in their way.

It didn’t take me long to drop all my “nevers”. Why worry about some invisible future that may or may not happen? I held onto my mindset of being in the now. Right now. No other moment. Not in the past or the future. Eckhart Tolle sums it up quite well- “What a liberation to realize that the ‘voice in my head’ is not who I am. ‘Who am I, then?’ The one who sees that.”

Sometimes it’s crazy hard to let go, and just be in the present moment. Therefore, it’s even more difficult to create those healthy boundaries! Typically, you remain trapped on the hamster wheel, spinning faster, and faster, (coming up with more and more arguments as to why “you’re right”) and eventually, your legs run out of stamina and you’re flung off and splattered against a wall- defeated.

If you’re truly dealing with someone you authentically care about, show them! The greatest gift you could give them is a boundary! With a boundary, you can still communicate. In my case, the boundary was not physically seeing my parents because they refuse to acknowledge Dave. That hurts both of us. Yet, I created the possibility of still being as close, and loving as I can to them. I call my mom often, and we chat for hours! We haven’t exchanged gifts in about 3 years…last year was the first! I could speak with my dad more easily, too. What it boils down to, is that I can just be myself.

After all, when you’re just yourself, your completely honest self who’s not trying to resist, not trying to change, or feed into drama or create it, who could hurt you?

Beauty reigns in simplicity. It all starts with a conversation. Talk to the person you care about that you feel you have to create a boundary with. Stand firm in your belief. If the other person becomes angry, or sad, remember to not take it personally. They have a right to their feelings, too! It’s also healthy to let them express everything they need to. There will come a point in the conversation when those options are exhausted. There will be an energy shift where you feel a mutual understanding being reached. This is a good place to end the conversation peacefully. Express your care, and love for that person, and hopefully they will return it back. After this, all following conversations should be easy.

How can these boundaries be overcome if one person isn’t willing to budge, yet continues to be civil and close, but distantly?

I’ve come to believe, with Dave’s insight, that if the person in opposition truly cares, and feels that they want to reestablish a connection, or mend some aspects of the relationship- they will. They will be the one to come to you to mend some broken fences. (I have yet to experience that, fully.) But! I am happy to say that that has happened with an Aunt of mine. Dave and I are becoming closer with her, and the feeling is amazing!

Pro Tip: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT ever blame the person that you’re upset with. When you blame someone, you make them wrong. In situations like these, no one is right or wrong. Keep that in mind when attempting to work it out.

Hold a space in your mind, in your heart. Your boundaries won’t last forever, but in the meantime, they will be healthy!


 

*Image result for a path and a practice by william martinQuote taken from one of my favorite, most influential books- A Path and a Practice by William Martin.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Continuum of Moments

 

puzzleHave you ever felt a moment in your life where it’s as if the puzzle piece you’ve been endlessly searching for has been finally found? Imagine you began putting together that puzzle at age 16. You get so far, you enjoy the progress, you get frustrated at a difficult section in the top right hand corner, you move to a different place, and continue. But then- you quit. You abandon the puzzle. Leave it to get dusty in a darkened room. And about 10 years later, you rediscover that puzzle, and wipe the dust away. You forget all the previous frustration with it, and just like magic, as if it were pre-planned, you find that piece, or a few that you couldn’t before. Immense satisfaction flows through you as you hear and feel that ‘click’ of the interlocking pieces. It was that disconnect that helped you reconnect.

That’s where I’m at now.

I feel like my universe has shifted. Physically moved in place as I had a realization about something particular in my life. Space and time sped up and slowed down. Spun around me, yet I felt grounded. The energy around me transformed into something I hadn’t felt before- a definite confirmation of my thoughts. Dave’s thoughts. He was the one I was talking to when it happened. He helped me have a breakthrough in communication with my mom. When he spoke the words that resonated with me, I gazed into his crystal eyes and felt my world disappear and be created, die and be reborn- all at the same time. And in that moment of the great shift, I had a couple of other realizations.

One was that I can now perceive and believe that we are all here, born into our own particular soul groups in order to help each other achieve something so that we don’t have to repeat the same in another life. Once we accomplish what hasn’t ever been accomplished before, we can be complete. There’s no reason to repeat it. And, in the next life when you see those same souls again, maybe in a different body, they will be different- their attitudes, beliefs, actions. There can be a bigger and better unity shared. A greater Love. Although there might be some other tasks to complete along the way, they will be easier to navigate.

The other epiphany that struck me is that perhaps God, or the Universe itself predestines certain things in life…creates situations, lessons, and tasks, that have to be completed in a certain way at a specific point in your life so that in the future they can come together as they were meant to be. This is a hard concept to explain! To help me understand this, it came to me that…

There is no time.

Time does not truly exist, as it was created by humankind. When you take away time, you are taking away the past, the future, and you are only left with now. I could question so many things in my life, asking, “why couldn’t that have happened years ago?? I’ve suffered for so much time, for so many years…” I could also then slip down into the rabbit hole of “what if’s”. Saying, “Well, if this happened ______, then I’d be doing this/having this kind of relationship/that kind of life/etc. now.

Such a crazy concept! How many of us live our entire lives in the “what if’s”, in the past, and in the future? How many of us spend tons of time thinking about how things could have been when they don’t go the way we planned?

So, returning to my experience I just had…I can look at it like this: time has no beginning or ending, it just continues on…like life. What happened years ago, really wasn’t years ago, and it just…happened when it did, and what is happening now, connects to that, but really wasn’t that long ago in the span of eternity. Everything is connected. There was no space in between when happened then, and now. It may have appeared there was. But, when you take the limitation of an average human life out of the picture, and view the vastly larger picture of life, the universe, and everything in it, it’s such a tiny little fragment. Just a sliver of the enormous, never ending pie called life!

Also, it happened to be that it was a small piece of yesterday’s conversation with my mom that prompted me to tell Dave, which then gave him the insights to share with me this morning, which of course, created this surreal experience now. So, it could be thought that it was already created for my mom to say what she said at that particular time, so that in moments after, this conversation would take place; I was meant to feel this now. And now connects to what I perceive as the past. It is just a continuation of that earlier time…with not that much time in between.

So when I felt my energy dramatically shift all around me, I felt it connect to my mom instantly. Originally, I wanted to visualize a shaft of light, or a beam literally travelling 30 miles to her, taking that 30 or so minutes to reach her. But I stopped, and just was. In my just being, my mom was as close to me as if she were sitting right next to me. Her energy was instantly shifted with mine, too. She may not have felt it. She might not feel it for some time. As we all are constantly evolving our own energies and affecting others with it, consciously or not, but not necessarily feeling it all the time. There has to be a conscious, or sometimes subconscious opening in the mind in order to receive. In that moment talking with Dave, I was open. With him, I was engaged, both physically and emotionally, so I was consciously open. Subconsciously is where I felt the initial shift, then, bam! It exploded through to my conscious. In that moment, I stopped, stared, and just felt. The feeling, the energy engulfed me. There was no way to ignore it. The impulse to write about it shot through me soon after.

To sum it all up- now is eternity. Now is the past, present, future combined. Time is an illusion. Energy, time and space can be manipulated with intention. We all have the ability to create our life with our thoughts. Although, it’s wise to be careful to not let your thoughts take over your life. Work with the already existing energy that swirls all around you, constantly, in every moment. We are our thoughts, our energy. Energy and Spirit are one.

“Quantum physics leads us to answers to the great taboos. We create the world around us. God is every living soul.” -Epica (Design Your Universe)

We are all living in a connected Universe.

untitled-2